We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.

This has been quite a crazy weekend for the Serrano-Mateos. Carmen was still retaining a good amount of fluid, so she stayed in the hospital for further observation. Saturday Tom and I hung out with Carmen as Jose had to go be on-call. Since she had been on her feet for a good part of the day she was tired and in pain from the fluid building up in her feet and lower legs. Tom and I massaged her feet, which definitely decreased the fluid and pain. She was pretty exhausted, but still managed to sit at her table to have a delicious dinner that Daniel made for her.

Daniel stayed the night with her, while Tom and I came back to Bethesda to celebrate Kim and Anya's birthday party. As terrible as it may sound, it was nice to have a night where I could be "normal" and hang out with my friends like any other 20ish year old. Not that I don't enjoy being with my mother, but all this has been very overwhelming and to have a night where I don't spend most of the night thinking about my mother's painful situation was a welcomed relief.

On Sunday they ran more tests, did some CT scans to verify if the stents were effectively keeping her vein open and facilitating circulation. The stents are fine, but the liver tumors have grown a visible amount since last week. We are still waiting to hear back from the antibody trial chemo. It may be possible for her to enter the trial as a "sympathy treatment"-- so not actually part of the study, but to try and see if it can help her out.

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Some days there won't be a song in your heart.

Sing anyway. So the chemo trial is out of the picture. Whether it is because it is actually not possible to get Carmen in the trial, or because she does not want to go through the painful side effects of the chemo treatment that probably won't cure her disease, I do not know. All I know is that tomorrow (probably) she will be coming home for hospice care until nature takes its course. It is hard not to look back at all the things we could have done. I know this must be extremely hard for my mother, but we should not harp on things we can not change. It is also extremely hard for me to just accept that this is the reality of our situation, but we should have the strength and grace to support Carmen now in these difficult times. We have spent almost 6 years in this battle, where we have hoped for a miracle to fight what seems to be the inevitable now. I think the worst of this all, is the uncertainty. We simply do not know how things will go, it could be weeks or days. It seems ...

to 2011 and my butterfly of the universe

2011 was a roller coaster of year with amazing highs and depressing lows. It all began with my four month adventure around the world with one of my best friends followed by a month long vacation with my boyfriend. This adventure had been almost a year in the making, and after quitting my job in January I was off to experience the world. During my travels however, unbeknownst to me for the most part, my mom was fighting her battle against cancer for fourth time since she had originally been diagnosed six years ago. Looking back at those months now after my mother's passing, I of course wish I had been able to be there with her, helping her with her fight. It's hard not to think that maybe if I had been there with her, things would have gone differently. I know that if I had decided to stay and not go on my travels, Carmen would have been upset and disappointed in me for passing up such an amazing once in a lifetime experience, especially since...

Today we are gathered to recognize the life of caring woman. To many, she was Dr. Carmen Mateo or just Carmen, and to a few of us she was Carmencita (Mari Carmen to her sister who just arrived from Spain), or mom to my brother Daniel and I. She was and still is an inspiration to us all, with her kindness, grace and strength. She was selfless always putting everyone first, whether it was a stranger, a patient, or her family. As she would say, lo mas feito para mi. Carmen was full of love for the world, always wanting to take care of everyone. She touched the lives of all the patients she encountered while at NIH and in her everyday life. She was the type of person that you would meet once, and after a lengthy conversation, oh how my mother could talk, would make you feel like you were special. She is unforgettable; her inner beauty always radiating through her twinkling eyes and quirky smile. She had this aura of energy surrounding her that captiva...

Nectar of Life

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