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Some days there won't be a song in your heart.

Sing anyway.

So the chemo trial is out of the picture. Whether it is because it is actually not possible to get Carmen in the trial, or because she does not want to go through the painful side effects of the chemo treatment that probably won't cure her disease, I do not know. All I know is that tomorrow (probably) she will be coming home for hospice care until nature takes its course.

It is hard not to look back at all the things we could have done. I know this must be extremely hard for my mother, but we should not harp on things we can not change. It is also extremely hard for me to just accept that this is the reality of our situation, but we should have the strength and grace to support Carmen now in these difficult times. We have spent almost 6 years in this battle, where we have hoped for a miracle to fight what seems to be the inevitable now. I think the worst of this all, is the uncertainty. We simply do not know how things will go, it could be weeks or days. It seems so surreal, like a terrible nightmare that I am waiting to wake up from. I want to keep on believing and hoping for this miracle to come, but I fear it is too late. With all these years of fighting, and now I am just supposed to sit and wait? I can't even imagine what this must be like for my mom.

To make matters worse (I know, right, can things really get any worse? yes, they can), I am in the midst of getting ready to move cross-country and start my MBA at UCLA. I am scared that I might not be strong enough to make it through this storm, but at this point, only time will tell. I know I will certainly try at least, to be strong for myself, my family and especially my mother, because she would expect nothing less from her star.


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