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2 months later

It has been about 2 months since I last saw my mother. All things considered, I am doing fine, however there are times that the sadness of my loss floods my heart through teardrops streaming from my eyes. The pain is still very real, the loss still surreal. I sometimes forget that she is actually gone, that she isn't back home with my dad and brother, that her spirit is actually somewhere watching over us.

The memories, photos and notes can't replace her, they can't even come close to even capturing her essence. But still, I seek them for comfort for they are as close as I can get to her right now. She has visited me in a few of my dreams, in each one radiantly beautiful, the charming brightly spirited Carmen she always was. In my dreams she is healed as if her cancer had never existed. I like to think that it is actually her in my dreams, her soul coming to visit me letting me know that she is alright, that she is finally healed and blissfully happy, like she said she would be from her dream of reaching heaven.

I am still putting the pieces of this puzzle together. As Carmen taught me to believe, everything happens for a reason. I honestly believe this, but am having difficulty understanding why bad things happen to good people. I know that Carmen took her cancer as a life-changing, eye-opening experience. Because of her cancer she was able to discover herself, her spirituality and redefine her life through what was truly important. She was thankful for everything that came out of her having cancer. Despite everything she learned, it was decided that it was her time to go. Many of us will argue that she was taken well before her time--she still had so many things she wanted to do, so many people she could have helped. So then why? Why did she have to go when she did? What was the reason for her death? So that I could learn my own strength and grow stronger from it? Or perhaps so that I could understand the importance of spirituality? Nothing can justify losing her, no reason could be good enough to explain her death. But, if I have learned anything throughout my 25 years of existence, is that Carmen is always right. So then, I must wait patiently for the reason. I will try to open my eyes, heart, and soul to embrace the universe and perhaps one day I will understand.
I want to understand.
I want to believe that this all happened for a reason.
I want to believe that in time this sadness will disappear under a blanket of my memories and my mother's love for me.

Until then, I will continue this healing process, with the help of time and being extremely busy with bschool.


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