Happy Mother's Day

This mother's day marks the beginning of a completely new tradition.

In years past, my family and I would get together and have brunch at Black Market Bistro or cook up a delicious Spanish late lunch. The years that I was abroad, I would call home wishing my Carmencita a happy mother's day, making sure that Jose and Daniel were treating her to an amazing mother's day. A few years ago we started the tradition of gardening the day away. Years ago when I was younger, my brother and I would wake up early and make her breakfast in bed-- a random assortment of foods carefully brought to her on a tray that she would happily eat, with our help of course.

This year is different. The duality of time never ceases to amaze me, how it can simultaneously feel so long and so short. It has been 133 days since you left us. Those 133 days feel like so long ago, so long since I heard your voice, felt your touch, saw you. Sometimes it feels like you are slipping away, like I can't remember so many little things about you and memories of times past. At the same time, there are some things I remember as if they just happened.

But today is about celebration--a celebration of the amazing woman who brought me into this world, who selflessly cared for me, my family, and so many others, who taught me the meaning of strength, beauty, courage, and love. So today mom, I celebrate you and everything you have been, are, and will always be. Te quiero mucho tesoro. <8

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Some days there won't be a song in your heart.

Sing anyway. So the chemo trial is out of the picture. Whether it is because it is actually not possible to get Carmen in the trial, or because she does not want to go through the painful side effects of the chemo treatment that probably won't cure her disease, I do not know. All I know is that tomorrow (probably) she will be coming home for hospice care until nature takes its course. It is hard not to look back at all the things we could have done. I know this must be extremely hard for my mother, but we should not harp on things we can not change. It is also extremely hard for me to just accept that this is the reality of our situation, but we should have the strength and grace to support Carmen now in these difficult times. We have spent almost 6 years in this battle, where we have hoped for a miracle to fight what seems to be the inevitable now. I think the worst of this all, is the uncertainty. We simply do not know how things will go, it could be weeks or days. It seems ...

to 2011 and my butterfly of the universe

2011 was a roller coaster of year with amazing highs and depressing lows. It all began with my four month adventure around the world with one of my best friends followed by a month long vacation with my boyfriend. This adventure had been almost a year in the making, and after quitting my job in January I was off to experience the world. During my travels however, unbeknownst to me for the most part, my mom was fighting her battle against cancer for fourth time since she had originally been diagnosed six years ago. Looking back at those months now after my mother's passing, I of course wish I had been able to be there with her, helping her with her fight. It's hard not to think that maybe if I had been there with her, things would have gone differently. I know that if I had decided to stay and not go on my travels, Carmen would have been upset and disappointed in me for passing up such an amazing once in a lifetime experience, especially since...

Today we are gathered to recognize the life of caring woman. To many, she was Dr. Carmen Mateo or just Carmen, and to a few of us she was Carmencita (Mari Carmen to her sister who just arrived from Spain), or mom to my brother Daniel and I. She was and still is an inspiration to us all, with her kindness, grace and strength. She was selfless always putting everyone first, whether it was a stranger, a patient, or her family. As she would say, lo mas feito para mi. Carmen was full of love for the world, always wanting to take care of everyone. She touched the lives of all the patients she encountered while at NIH and in her everyday life. She was the type of person that you would meet once, and after a lengthy conversation, oh how my mother could talk, would make you feel like you were special. She is unforgettable; her inner beauty always radiating through her twinkling eyes and quirky smile. She had this aura of energy surrounding her that captiva...

Nectar of Life

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