2011 was a roller coaster of year with amazing highs and depressing lows.
It all began with my four month adventure around the world with one of my best friends followed by a month long vacation with my boyfriend. This adventure had been almost a year in the making, and after quitting my job in January I was off to experience the world. During my travels however, unbeknownst to me for the most part, my mom was fighting her battle against cancer for fourth time since she had originally been diagnosed six years ago. Looking back at those months now after my mother's passing, I of course wish I had been able to be there with her, helping her with her fight. It's hard not to think that maybe if I had been there with her, things would have gone differently. I know that if I had decided to stay and not go on my travels, Carmen would have been upset and disappointed in me for passing up such an amazing once in a lifetime experience, especially since she had been the one who had always encouraged me to explore and see the world. So because of her, Mandy and Tom, I have these wonderful memories of an experience few will ever get to discover.
My brother also graduated this year. My parents and I were so proud of him. I remember how happy my mom was during the ceremony despite being exhausted from her chemo treatment. When she was first diagnosed with cancer she didn't know if she would get to see my brother and I graduate from college, and yet there she was as her cheerful silly self grinning from cheek to cheek at my brother's graduation.
During the weeks after my travels I was happy to be home, home with my family and friends. Carmen was in the midst of her chemo trials, so it was nice that I could be home all the time with her. When she wasn't getting treatment we would hang out together--watching movies/tv, talking, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, teaching her how to use her new iPad and relaxing.
I remember going with her to the farmer's market at the Y--Carmen always had to pick through every fruit/veggie to get the best ones. During this time I was also going through my things as I got ready to go to bschool, it was nice to reminisce with her about the good old days.
This past year was a big year for the Serrano-Mateo-Jankowskis. My family finally met Tom's family at a dinner we had at his sister's place, while I was back in the states for a bschool interview. Of course the parental meeting was nerve wrecking (for me), but it could not have gone any better. Later on, my parents came down to Tom's parents' beach house to celebrate part of the 4th of July weekend. We had fun hanging out, cruising in the boat, eating delicious home-made fresh crab cakes, and playing cards. It was great that our families got along so well, and nice that we could celebrate together.
The summer flew by as I organized my life and Carmen continued with chemo, until July 15, 2011, the day that things stopped being business as usual (the idea that we would try this new chemo and if it didn't work just go to surgery--the same thing we had done the past three times). After her second round of chemo, we got the shocking news we always feared--her tumor had metastasized to her liver. Despite this terrible news, we remained hopeful of another trial chemo and the potential for surgery. She and my father went down to our house in PR to relax and prepare for the storm ahead of us. It amazes me that even after hearing such devastating news, she was smiling as she left for the airport.
I will always remember that weekend, I too escaped to relax and spent the weekend camping surrounded by my good friends almost forgetting about the news.
While my parents relaxed in PR, I went out to visit Tom in SF and went apartment hunting in LA, where I would start my MBA at UCLA later in the fall. Being with Tom was a great distraction, as we prepared for the big move-in together.
Because of my mother's condition, they came back from PR early. The next 14 days were a complete whirlwind of being in and out of John's Hopkins, minor complications, major problems, and a lot of emotions. There are a few things I will always remember from those days.
My mom's bravery, relentless hope, positive attitude and determination throughout it all.
My 25st birthday, the last celebration we had as a family.
The day she decided to come home and let nature take it's course
Her last few days with us, but especially that moment I shared with her the night before she passed.
As if my year couldn't get any crazier, it of course did, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Being so crazy busy was a nice distraction from everything that had just happened, it was a way for me to cope with losing my Carmencita.
My brother and I drove cross-country. What should have been an easy 3 day drive turned into a car fiasco 5 day adventure. The high-lights: getting to spend time with Daniel, hanging out with my friend Kevin in Nashville (where we were stranded for 2 days), getting to see parts of the US I hadn't seen before, great food pit-stops, an epic nap (one of those 30 minute naps but it feels like hours and you wake up amazingly refreshed), visiting the Grand Canyon, and finally getting to my new apartment in LA.
Shortly after moving in, I started my MBA program at UCLA, which is crazy in and of itself (recruiting, classes, networking...etc.) in addition to meeting the amazing people in my program, getting used to LA, figuring out what I want to DO with my life, and adjusting to being back in school after an 8 month vacation from the real world.
My mom's funeral part two in Spain in the middle of my midterms, an emotional but cathartic experience.
I took a red-eye back to Bethesda to run the Turkey Chase 10k with the RP Thanksgiving morning. Then Tom, Daniel, Jose and I drove down to Tom's parents' house to celebrate Thanksgiving for the first time without Carmen, but were pleasantly surrounded Tom's amazingly supportive and welcoming family.
After a crazy week of back-to-back exams and major cramming sessions, the year ended off with a relaxing break back home on the east coast. It was nice to be back home to spend time with my family and friends, though the house is noticeably emptier without Carmencita. For the first time in years, I decorated the house for Christmas. Usually we went down to our house in PR, and thus we didn't bother to put up decorations. But this year I wanted to decorate, I wanted to remember the great memories of past Christmases. By putting up our collection of decorations, it was almost like bringing a little part of Carmen back, since she had usually been in charge of Christmas decorations for the most part. In her spirit, we got red and white poinsettias, since she always loved them so much. We started a few new traditions this year. I cut down my first Christmas tree, well Tom did most of the cutting, but still. We had Christmas Eve dinner at home with Tom's parents, and then celebrated Christmas day first at home, then later finished opening presents at Tom's sister's with the kids. The year ended off with a nice little pot-luck soiree at my house with a few friends and of course the Spanish traditional grape-eating-wish-making.
When I look back at this year, I can't help but wish some things had been different, but despite all the lows, I had some wonderful times. I of course still miss my mom, that won't ever change. And though I still get sad sometimes, I am getting better at smiling at all the fond memories I had with her. I know that though she isn't here here, she is always in my heart and looking over me. She believed in the power of souls and reincarnation, so I must believe and trust that she is somewhere in this universe until we meet again.
The caterpillar dies so the butterfly could be born. And, yet, the caterpillar lives in the butterfly and they are but one. So, when I die, it will be that I have been transformed from the caterpillar of earth to the butterfly of the universe. - John Harricharan
It all began with my four month adventure around the world with one of my best friends followed by a month long vacation with my boyfriend. This adventure had been almost a year in the making, and after quitting my job in January I was off to experience the world. During my travels however, unbeknownst to me for the most part, my mom was fighting her battle against cancer for fourth time since she had originally been diagnosed six years ago. Looking back at those months now after my mother's passing, I of course wish I had been able to be there with her, helping her with her fight. It's hard not to think that maybe if I had been there with her, things would have gone differently. I know that if I had decided to stay and not go on my travels, Carmen would have been upset and disappointed in me for passing up such an amazing once in a lifetime experience, especially since she had been the one who had always encouraged me to explore and see the world. So because of her, Mandy and Tom, I have these wonderful memories of an experience few will ever get to discover.
saying adios at Dulles before the adventure
My brother also graduated this year. My parents and I were so proud of him. I remember how happy my mom was during the ceremony despite being exhausted from her chemo treatment. When she was first diagnosed with cancer she didn't know if she would get to see my brother and I graduate from college, and yet there she was as her cheerful silly self grinning from cheek to cheek at my brother's graduation.
photo shoot set up for my bschool picture
Because of my mother's condition, they came back from PR early. The next 14 days were a complete whirlwind of being in and out of John's Hopkins, minor complications, major problems, and a lot of emotions. There are a few things I will always remember from those days.
My mom's bravery, relentless hope, positive attitude and determination throughout it all.
My 25st birthday, the last celebration we had as a family.
The day she decided to come home and let nature take it's course
Her last few days with us, but especially that moment I shared with her the night before she passed.
As if my year couldn't get any crazier, it of course did, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Being so crazy busy was a nice distraction from everything that had just happened, it was a way for me to cope with losing my Carmencita.
My brother and I drove cross-country. What should have been an easy 3 day drive turned into a car fiasco 5 day adventure. The high-lights: getting to spend time with Daniel, hanging out with my friend Kevin in Nashville (where we were stranded for 2 days), getting to see parts of the US I hadn't seen before, great food pit-stops, an epic nap (one of those 30 minute naps but it feels like hours and you wake up amazingly refreshed), visiting the Grand Canyon, and finally getting to my new apartment in LA.
Shortly after moving in, I started my MBA program at UCLA, which is crazy in and of itself (recruiting, classes, networking...etc.) in addition to meeting the amazing people in my program, getting used to LA, figuring out what I want to DO with my life, and adjusting to being back in school after an 8 month vacation from the real world.
My mom's funeral part two in Spain in the middle of my midterms, an emotional but cathartic experience.
I took a red-eye back to Bethesda to run the Turkey Chase 10k with the RP Thanksgiving morning. Then Tom, Daniel, Jose and I drove down to Tom's parents' house to celebrate Thanksgiving for the first time without Carmen, but were pleasantly surrounded Tom's amazingly supportive and welcoming family.
After a crazy week of back-to-back exams and major cramming sessions, the year ended off with a relaxing break back home on the east coast. It was nice to be back home to spend time with my family and friends, though the house is noticeably emptier without Carmencita. For the first time in years, I decorated the house for Christmas. Usually we went down to our house in PR, and thus we didn't bother to put up decorations. But this year I wanted to decorate, I wanted to remember the great memories of past Christmases. By putting up our collection of decorations, it was almost like bringing a little part of Carmen back, since she had usually been in charge of Christmas decorations for the most part. In her spirit, we got red and white poinsettias, since she always loved them so much. We started a few new traditions this year. I cut down my first Christmas tree, well Tom did most of the cutting, but still. We had Christmas Eve dinner at home with Tom's parents, and then celebrated Christmas day first at home, then later finished opening presents at Tom's sister's with the kids. The year ended off with a nice little pot-luck soiree at my house with a few friends and of course the Spanish traditional grape-eating-wish-making.
When I look back at this year, I can't help but wish some things had been different, but despite all the lows, I had some wonderful times. I of course still miss my mom, that won't ever change. And though I still get sad sometimes, I am getting better at smiling at all the fond memories I had with her. I know that though she isn't here here, she is always in my heart and looking over me. She believed in the power of souls and reincarnation, so I must believe and trust that she is somewhere in this universe until we meet again.
It sounds like you're starting to move into that place you were hoping to be. I'm so glad for you. Also I still cannot believe Carmen got into the inner tube with Jack. That cracks me up!!
ReplyDeleteCarmen was an amazing, sweet, special woman--her light shines through her loved ones everyday.
ReplyDelete