Nectar of Life

I want to cry, scream and pretend like nothing happened all at once.  More  despair as yet another treatment option fails me. Another disappointment. Another set back.  Unfortunately it's not just about my ulcerative colitis and trying to get myself healthy, it's also about how my UC has gotten in the way of my hopes of eventually having a family of my own.  At least when there were more treatment options I could be hopeful of maybe one day feeling better and being able to start a family. But now I'm woefully aware of my limited options and the realization that I likely might not ever  really  get to be  normal  again. That maybe no medication I try will help. That maybe the one thing I have left is the utterly life changing surgery to have my colon removed.  Willful hope, denial, stubbornness...I'm not sure what to call it, but I had always believed deep down inside that somehow I would find something that would work, something that would get me bac